{"id":3075,"date":"2022-12-04T07:12:53","date_gmt":"2022-12-04T07:12:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp.mychinaroots.com\/?p=3075"},"modified":"2022-12-04T07:45:15","modified_gmt":"2022-12-04T07:45:15","slug":"saying-a-long-goodbye-to-my-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mychinaroots.com\/blog\/stories\/saying-a-long-goodbye-to-my-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Saying a Long Goodbye to My Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Editor\u2019s Note:<\/strong> This story contains reflections on death and dying. No small amount of tears were shed<\/em> in the writing process. Thank you, Linda, for digging deep into your soul to share this journey of love and loss with us. \u2013 Chrislyn Choo, Managing Editor<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It was a routine Sunday morning call home when my parents dropped the news.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My Beh Beh \u4f2f\u4f2f, my uncle, was gone. Just yesterday, he was playing mahjong with his friends, when he suddenly collapsed on the table. Ruptured artery, the doctors say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ten days later, I rang my brother on FaceTime. Dressed in all black, I waited for him and my parents to position me on a tripod at Beh Beh\u2019s funeral in Changhua, Taiwan. Quietly, my husband knelt on the floor beside me in our home in California. Still in disbelief this was really happening, I closed my eyes as the hushed chanting of Buddhist monks began to fill the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My Beh Beh had always made me feel like I could share everything with him. The oldest boy of my dad\u2019s siblings, his presence signified the completeness of our family. Gentle and inclusive, Beh Beh would take the initiative to organize all our family reunions. Even now, in spirit, he was bringing us all together, one last time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In Buddhist tradition, the funerary custom of kowtowing \u2013 bowing with your forehead to the ground \u2013 represents the highest form of respect. From my tripod view, I watched as the monks lit incense and knelt before an altar table laden with offerings in my uncle\u2019s memory.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

About twenty minutes in, my cousin stepped up to give a eulogy to his father. He told a short story recalling a conversation about why Beh Beh always gave money to people begging on the streets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey may be scammers!\u201d my cousin had chided him. \u201cI try not to guess their motives,\u201d my uncle replied. \u201cThey are saying that some money can help them out. I have a few coins. Why not help them out?\u201d This story was a great illustration of how kind his heart was. Despite all the corruption he may have seen in humanity, he still chose to act with trust and love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With that, the funeral was over. Before leaving for the cremation site, my mom took me around to see the photo decorations. She showed me the print-out each guest had received with his obituary and a timeline of his life. I made a mental note to ask my cousin for a copy later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Closing FaceTime, I laid flat out on the floor, soaked in tears and complex emotions. Just one thought kept ringing in my head: \u201cThat was too short.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How could a human being with 72 years of life\u2026 a great career\u2026 father of two and grandfather of three\u2026 be fully captured in a short story and one sheet of A4 paper?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo,\u201d I thought to myself. \u201cWhen my parents pass, I want to distribute not a paper, but a whole book. I want them to be known and remembered. Their stories will be passed on from generation to generation to come.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

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Shortly after his passing, I had a dream about my uncle (red polo shirt). He wanted to tell me what happened on his last day \u2013 and yes, I dreamt that he wrote it down on a sheet of A4 paper. Later on, I learned that his grandkids have also felt his presence in their dreams. It makes me wonder\u2026 how much have we all left unsaid to each other?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

I Don\u2019t Want to (Wait to) Say Goodbye<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My mom has been ready to talk about death for awhile now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou know, Linda, when we pass away, you should\u2026\u201d But every time she tries to initiate, I immediately start crying. The very image of putting my mom in an urn utterly overwhelms me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, no\u2026 not yet, not now.\u201d End of conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My uncle\u2019s funeral was the wake-up call I never wanted, but deeply needed. He was only five years older than my dad. This year alone, my dad has also lost another sibling and moved yet another to the hospital. In his words, \u201cdeath feels closer than ever.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As uncomfortable as it feels to even write the word now, I can no longer live in denial about death. I must face its reality and muster up the courage to talk about it with my parents now<\/em>, while we still have time left together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After the funeral, my cousin told me his biggest regret: \u201cI just wish I had asked my father more about his life.\u201d My heart aches for him \u2013 and for future me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want to wait until my parents pass away to say goodbye. That would be too late. I want to start saying goodbye now \u2013 a ten-year, twenty-year goodbye.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Ever since I moved to the U.S. from Taiwan in my early twenties, we have found ways to stay close despite the distance. Figuring out marriage and adulthood, I\u2019ve needed their guidance more than ever. As often as we call though, I feel a deep sense of guilt for not being physically present and involved in their lives.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

I recognize that I\u2019ll never feel like we\u2019ve had enough time together. It\u2019s not like adding twenty more minutes to their eulogies would do justice. Even if I knew exactly how long my loved ones have left to live, it\u2019s still comforting to hold onto \u201chopeful denial,\u201d especially with relatives in ailing health. \u201cYou\u2019ll get better. Just wait, we\u2019ll go traveling again soon. No need to tell me the whole story now \u2013 you\u2019ll live to tell your grandkids yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, I want to be as honest as I can about the reality of our mortality. From now on, instead of wishing for more time together, I want to cherish the gift of time we have in each other\u2019s presence right now. I want to listen to what my mom and dad have to say about how they would like to be remembered. I want to ask them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How is it important to you that I live my life, after you die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do you want your grandchildren to know you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should we do something now so that they can know you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do you want me to tell your story?<\/p>\n\n\n

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Mom, Dad: I want to start staying goodbye to you now, while you\u2019re still here with me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Just a Phone Call Away<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHave you ever thought about what your legacy would be?\u201d I figured our usual Sunday morning call was as good a time as any to start asking the real questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat legacy?\u201d my dad said. \u201cYou and your brother are our legacy. The things we teach you are our legacy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah\u2026\u201d I paused. \u201cWhat if you can have a bigger impact beyond us? What if your words can guide Stella, or even her kids?\u201d Stella is my three-year-old niece \u2013 their precious granddaughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I then proposed an idea: \u201cI would like to start sending you questions every week about your life stories. I will organize your answers into a book, film, or audio recording for the family. What do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My dad, being my dad, told me to wait until he sees the questions first. My mom agreed to the idea, but with one warning: she\u2019s a very busy lady!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I gained a lot from that one conversation. Not only was I able to acknowledge the reality of their death without breaking into tears, I finally felt a wave of peace about being so far away from my parents. By doing this oral history project together, I hope that future generations of our family will be able to experience the love and connection I feel with my parents beyond our lifetimes.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Nothing feels better than going home to Taiwan every year and seeing every family member happy and present. In my mom\u2019s words: \u201cEvery time we are all together is a blessing.\u201d \u5230\u9f4a\u4e86: We have everyone here.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Thinking about what questions I want to ask them, I\u2019m finding it helpful to map out a timeline of the major life decisions my parents have made. From there, I\u2019m drawing out questions to fill in my knowledge gaps and go deeper into things I\u2019m curious about. Like why did my dad decide to quit smoking after thirty years \u2013 and how did he manage to do it within one month? How did my mom feel about staying at home with the kids, while my dad traveled for work? How was her mental health during those years, and how did he feel about being away from home?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I still have a lot of nuances to figure out as I get the rhythm of conversation going with my parents. They are both very busy people and will probably feel awkward answering some of my questions. (How confident do you feel about your appearance? Do you like how you look? Now that you\u2019re in your 60s, do you feel like you\u2019re \u201cold\u201d or \u201celderly\u201d?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thankfully though, they\u2019re just a phone call away. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving myself permission to express what\u2019s on my heart and mind now. Even if you\u2019re not sure how they\u2019ll react, I encourage you to still reach out to your loved ones. Tell them how much they mean to you. Ask them about their lives, while they are still present in yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d like to leave you with a few resources that are helping me connect more easily with my parents. If you have a recommendation or resonate with my story in any way, I\u2019d love to hear your tips and experiences in the comments!<\/p>\n\n\n\n